As children, many of us asked permission for simple things. “Momma, can I go to the bathroom?” was a common refrain in my house as a child. However, growing up made that unnecessary. Unfortunately, some of us grew up in some ways but not others. We replicate the situations we saw in our households to the point where we are still looking for someone else to be in charge. Here’s the trouble in asking permission.
ADULTING AND ASKING PERMISSION
I, and many of my generation, use the phrase ‘adulting’. Adulting is a verb and something we don’t do all the time. There is another one I find a little more insidious though: ‘ I need an adult’. Often this is meant to let someone know they are out of their depth. It is, hopefully, followed by the recognition that you are the adult. Sometimes that is enough to get us into ‘adulting’ mode and make us take charge of the situation. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Our need for an adult causes us to go looking for someone to give us permission not to deal with a situation. Most often this seeking is done among our peers. Occasionally, we look for it in our significant other. The case remains the same though, we are looking for someone else to be in charge.
When it comes to our dreams, we (myself included) should be careful about allowing ourselves to take the tact of ‘I need an adult’. If we’re asking permission to pursue our dreams, there is one enormous problem with that: anyone who gives permission can also take it away.
Think about it, you ask permission of people in authority over you. When you were a child, that was probably your parents. You did what they said, you asked permission to do certain things which might or might not have been predefined. As an adult, that safety net shouldn’t exist. You should be doing your high-wire act on your own having built your safety nets of common sense and good judgement. If you look for someone to run your life, you’ll find someone, unfortunately. You can always find someone to squash your dreams. Other people will offer you ‘permission’ and then take it back as soon as things become inconvenient for them. Therefore, you shouldn’t be seeking anyone else’s permission to do what’s best for you.
How to Break the Habit
Are you a permission addict? Does ‘I need an adult’ cross your thoughts on a daily basis? It’s okay. I used to be one too. Here’s how I broke the habit.
- Start with something small. > Remember when your parents finally said ‘don’t ask me, just go’ in regards to your bathroom habits? That’s how urgent this needs to be. Pick some small something and don’t ask permission for it. Have dessert. Choose your clothes. Something you would normally going running to your permission giver for.
- Repeat the small thing. >As you do this, you will find yourself getting more comfortable making your judgement calls. That doesn’t mean there won’t be backsliding, but you should keep it up.
- Pick something bigger and do it too! >By now your permission giver has probably noticed the new you, don’t let them take back the power from you. In fact, if they make a conscious effort to try, stop them cold with a declaration that you have it covered.
- Start on that dream. >The first three steps get you to work on your choice muscle. Now that you have worked on it a bit, get started on that dream you’ve been hiding in your heart.
This has been a continuation of my discussion of “Girl, Stop Apologizing” by Rachel Hollis.
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