There is only During

I just turned 35. Another year. One more revolution around the sun. The usual jazz. I would say something about this year is different, but it’s actually the same and that’s a good thing when you think about it. I’m not creating something new specifically at this point because I’m already doing that. This will not be THE year I follow my dreams. I’m already doing that. Will there be things I do this year I’ve never done before? Absolutely. Yet that, in itself, is the same as last year. Different experiences, same MO.

In previous years, I have used my birthday as a respawn point. For those who aren’t up on the lingo, in gamer terms, respawning is coming back to life.  Usually with the implication you screwed up, died and thus need to not do what you just did, like walk into sniper fire.

I haven’t walked into sniper fire recently.
I do have habits I intend to change; however, I’m not using my birthday as a before/after. I’m just going to start on those when I get time. Right now is not the time. My life is currently in the early stages of developing into a thriller. There are bodies on the floor, the remains of a bomb everywhere and I’m playing detective to try to get ahead of the carnage. In the end, no one gets out alive, but I don’t intend to go any sooner than necessary.

I’ve gone to the doctor a lot lately. Having been the recipient of a less than optimal genetic hand, I have a number of issues I’m supposed to be medicated for. To say I have been a terrible patient would be an understatement. I consistently don’t show up for appointments, take or don’t take my medication when I feel like it, and do things I know are bad for me. Not gonna lie and say that’s about to change. Old habits die hard and they resurrect worse than the villain in a horror movie. Just when you think you’ve vanquished them, they come lurching from around the corner intent on dragging you back into the figurative darkness. So far though, I’m doing pretty good about going to my appointments. Next: Constant reminders that I feel fine BECAUSE of my medication not in spite of it. Almost anyone on maintenance medication has gone through this a few times. You take the meds. You feel better. You start to think you’re fine without it. You stop taking it. You still feel mostly fine, but you’re already in decline. You fall apart. You start it once more from the top.  Do you have a seat on this Ferris Wheel? I do. Mine’s got comfy cushions and a spangled cross-bar I’m on it so often. Someone asked me, “as smart as you are, knowing what you know, how do you keep doing this to yourself?” The answer is simply not-simple. I know and I know. Academically I know my medication is the reason I feel fine; however, I also know that I can do it without my medication. Toss in there the very American attitude of I can do it all by myself and you have non-compliance to medication directives.  It’s not about me being smart, it is about my feelings. Everyone has done something or another they head-smart knew was a terrible idea but heart-smart made sense at the time.

Me, my best friend and worst enemy. My birthday doesn’t mark my before and after. There is no before, there is no after, there is just during. During. Going forward and stepping back. Sometimes I’m with the music, sometimes I’m not.

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